Ask A Gay Guy: Date Bisexuals?

Ask A Gay Guy - Date Bisexuals?

A long time ago, in a high school far FAR away… Your intrepid writer Jim struggled with his sexuality. I don’t really think a 14 year old even understands what “sexual orientation” really is, but at the time, it was literally the only thing I cared about/thought about. Here’s an example: for a whole solid semester, I went through this phase where I was asexual. I was like NOPE to love. NUH-UH to being gay/straight, whatever I was. I don’t even think I really knew was asexuality was.

But I’m a hopeless romantic. By college I was finally 100% sure I was the gayest I could possibly be, and I started dating guys in earnest. Then I met THE guy. And my story continues, happily ever after.

So back to the point of this post – I overheard this conversation among some acquaintances about how one of them was currently dating a guy who identified as bi-sexual… And he was expressing some “concerns”. I couldn’t really relate… I feel like when I was dating guys, they were either “gay” or “straight”… There were no in betweens. So I went and asked a couple of friends of mine to answer some questions for me regarding what’s become a great debate: Is dating a bi-guy a good idea? What’s the difference? I’m one of the lucky guys, and have been with my partner for almost 10 years… We’re both gay and proud, and neither of us has dated another guy who was “openly” bi. I found two of my friends who have… And naturally I assaulted them with questions for this post. Since I’m obviously not going to use their real names, we’ll call them Friend 1, and Friend 2. I know, very creative.

1. Have you ever dated a bisexual guy?

Friend 1: “Yes.”
Friend 2: “Yes.”

< Ok, so we’re off to a good start! >

2. Based on that experience, would you again?

Friend 1: “It depends on the person.”
Friend 2: “Possibly… It’s hard to say since it was so long ago… was over ten years.”

< So THEY DID exist back then!? Where was I? Probably contemplating asexuality… >

3. What are some of the main differences between the relationships you’ve had with gay men and bisexual men?

Friend 1: “From my experience, the main difference was the way I felt about my bisexual partner from a long-term standpoint. He very consistently reminded me that he was having fun and enjoyed my company, but ultimately he wanted to end up with a girl. In the end, it just felt like he valued me less than his idealized female partner.”
Friend 2: “I don’t think I’ve really noticed any differences.”

4. What turns you on about bi-sexual men?

Friend 1: “If someone is genuinely bi-sexual, I think there is something very attractive about someone can just be attracted to “people”. There is some kind of more evolved thinking or emotion they have that I think is really wonderful.”
Friend 2: “The opportunity to have a threesome sometimes with the third being a female could be an idea that I could toy around with and be attracted to. Also the fact that this person has had sexual relations with a woman also turns me on.”

5. What steers you away from dating bi-sexual men?

Friend 1: “If they are insecure about their bi-sexuality… Like they are ashamed to be with a guy or they treat it like a phase and are just having fun until they find the right girl. Also, a lot of bisexuals I have met are obsessed with only meeting guys that identify as masculine. They look down on ‘fem’ gays, and aren’t into the ‘scene’. I don’t want to waste my time with someone I can’t go out dancing with.”
Friend 2: “From my experience, bisexual men prefer a relationship status with one sex, and more casual sexual relationships with the other – so depending on what side of that I’m on, I may not want to continue the relationship with that person.”

6. What would be your main concern about dating a man who identifies as bi-sexual?

Friend 1: “What they are looking for. Is this just a fun little fling or do they actually want to pursue a relationship?”
Friend 2: “Nothing really concerns me about dating bisexuals. Perhaps the perception of them being less faithful because there is more temptation since they like men and women?”

7. What did you learn about yourself while dating a bi-sexual man?

Friend 1: “I learned to really appreciate the things that actually made me feel insecure about being gay. I’m not the most masculine speaking… I like snowboarding, but I also like dancing super flamboyantly and getting the glitter out for special occasions. I love watching hockey, but I also love shouting “GUUURL” when I great my friends…”
Friend 2: “Nothing in particular.”

8. What did you learn about the bisexual community while dating a bi-sexual man?

Friend 1: “I think society is very hard on bi-sexual people… Both the straight and gay communities want to make bisexuals pick a side it seems, which is really unfortunate because bisexual people really do get to experience a full spectrum of sexuality. We should embrace and learn from them rather than trying to ‘catch’ them.”
Friend 2: “Bisexual people are possibly in a harder place to be ‘accepted’ by society because most people don’t understand the idea of liking both sexes. Perhaps this makes it harder for people to really identify themselves or be ok with it. In fact, I believe that there are more bi-sexual people out there than we know… Based on the Kinsey Scale, if you’re not a 0 or a 6 then you’re technically a bi-sexual person.”

< For those of you who need a refresher the Kinsey scale, also called the Heterosexual–Homosexual Rating Scale, is used in research to describe a person’s sexual orientation based on their experience or response at a given time. The scale typically ranges from 0, meaning exclusively heterosexual, to 6, meaning exclusively homosexual. Thanks Google! >

9. Do you believe that those who identify as bisexual are predisposed to infidelity?

Friend 1: “No, that’s a ridiculous proposal. I think that is a huge stigma that bisexual woman face however. Bisexual men are stigmatized as being confused and bisexual women get stigmatized as being slutty. The whole notion is absolutely absurd… Your sexuality is not mutually exclusive to your promiscuity.”
Friend 2: “I figure this to be true because there is more temptation.”

10. The inability to choose a gender-specific sexual orientation indicates a potentially larger, deep-rooted issue. Is this person indecisive? Unable to commit? If a man can’t commit to a sexually based gender role, how can I expect him to commit to me?

I asked the guys what they thought of this concern… It was something I read somewhere and thought it might be interesting to get some opinions about it…

Friend 1: “This questions is the problem. The fact that we consider it a problem that people can’t “choose”. There is no choosing… If you are bisexual it means you love people, not gender. In a time when transgender issues are on the rise, it seems all the better that more people be more open and self reflective of their own sexuality and be ok with where they rest on the spectrum, and where others do too. There is no choosing… It’s a spectrum, and we all fall on it somewhere. The question, I think, is actually quite offensive and insensitive. The deep-rooted issue isn’t with bisexuals, it’s in those who think bisexuals need to pick a side… Fuck those people.”
Friend 2: “I do relate to it, but not entirely… A relationship is based on the trust you feel with the person, and that may also allow for an open relationship. Therefore, the idea that I was completely decide against having a relationship with a bisexual person does not apply because it really depends on the two people and what their situation is.”

What are some of your thoughts on this guys? We love hearing from you! Share your comments below or tell us on Twitter @AllMaleDating